dialogue
Hours before the baccalaureate mass. I am sitting in our sala. My body's not feeling well. My spirirt seems too low. Should a twenty year old man be feeling this way this time. Oh, did i just call myself a man?My nephew just gave me a sandwich- stuffed with ham, cheese and mayonnaise. He smiled, i could see the innocence the thought of him sharing. And it makes me smile. for a while. It's nice to know that children as young as his do not think much of this life. All he cares is memorizing his favorite dinosaur names, playing outside and eating his own sandwich. Don't you want to be a six year old again?
I hate the way I'm doing yesterday, the other night and the other days I felt lonely.
Loneliness- something that I associate with sadness. With sin. Sometimes it's good to be alone but never lonely.
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Do i have work? none.
Do I have money? none.
Are you happy? honestly, the thought of being alive makes me happy, but thinking of the people who expects something from me do make me sad.
Am i in love? no.
Well is that the reason I am feeling lonely? sometimes.
Sad? yeah.
Sinner? feel like.
Why don't you find someone? I don't have to.
Can I live without that someone? for today, yeah.
Do I want to be loved? I want to feel loved.
But I am loved? yeah by the Lord, by my family, by my friends.
Then why am I empty? you decided to feel empty.
Am I still confused? yeah.
How about my faith? I strongly believe in Christ.
Then why am I acting this way? I don't want to, but this is how I feel for the moment. Later on it'll be gone.
But how about tomorrow? I hope it will be over.
What if it had not? then I’d pray.
Do I think it really helps? yeah.
Then why don't I pray now? well I am.
How do I feel with my family? good, they're all good. But of course problems are there. Financially? yeah but I am happy we're getting through it everyday.
How about "him"? I hope he would change. "She" and me will always pray for "him". I just think in a happy family there are still flaws, imperfections- it’s what keeps us going on.
How would I like to help "her"? as soon as I find work, I hope I could help.
How’s my service in church? it's a rollercoaster thing. I have to decide on a few things. Fix myself first. My spirit. My whole.
How about me being one of the lead? I don't want to think about leading, I am thinking more about the growing of each and everyone.
But how can I inspire and love if I, myself, don't feel loved and is feeling weak? that's why I am trying to work things out, I just think of this as His test. The battle of good and evil.
Am i the evil? you're my other side.
Am i the good? neither, we're one.
How’d i feel about sex? feels like a tempting thing.
Why don't i try? could i?
Oh and now I’m being evil? it's hot thing, but I am afraid of a few things.
So I am agreeing with myself that I just need sex? no comment.
Am I getting confused again? yeah.
Well then pray. sure.
Does it really works? I believe.
Then why do I still sin? cause i choose my own way not His.
Is it hard to follow His way? yeah sometimes, there's no easy way to greater things and that's just the one and only way to what they call heaven, so if I’m trying the other way and have felt my journey doesn't take me to where I should be- I just pray and hopefully take a turn back to His way.
Am I afraid to do the right thing? no, I love to do the right thing, but there are things that I decide, where I feel I’d be happy - but it’s a not-so-right thing.
So happy doing the wrong thing eh? there are moments, it's part of life, I am not perfect.
Well then trying to be perfect? i hope so.
Perfectionist? nah. I am not God.
Then we are our own? with God.
Sexuality? Man.
Really? I’m working it out.
So many working out eh? I’m still twenty man!
But why am I seeing wrong people? there are no wrong people, just wrong decisions.
So it's the decision, using the head? No, my heart.
oh, well our heart sins? I sin. It’s a part of me, it completes me- and so what I feel, i also think and i act.
It’s process then? I think.
Using heart then is worse than using head? Oh, it needs balancing, I am just not good at it, and so I fail.
Think I am a failure? I avoid to think that way. Maybe there are instances that I fail but never think of myself as failure – I’m just weak.
I thought I strongly believe in God-where's the faith? and now I am questioning.
This isn’t going anywhere? Yeah stop it now; I still have things to do.
So busy, ehr? Shut up!
posted by juliusmarzan @ 11:23 AM
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