driven

Time To Grow

For the last few months Im riding this emotional roller coaster thing. It's just too much. One day I'm happy the next day I feel bad. It's not right and it doesn't feel good. The every week of unhealthy diet and too much drinking just brought temporary escapes. Yes it feels good, and yes its cool but how far am I willing to go? How bad does it gonna get?

Stepping out of the circle my life used to revolve into is one of the hardest thing I've ever done. Missing out on the people I love because I simply feel the need to stay away. It is not that I want to but it is because certain things are coming, expected or not, and it makes people and circumstances change and so I feel that the best way to keep myself from hurting me and others is to leave.

In those times that I'm out of the circle, there are people who came, some simply pass by. Some creates impact and some comes from the past then leave again. there are those you want to stay but needs to go and there were those that never say goodbye and leave you hanging. I just don't understand why people you value can't give back as much as you deserve and suddenly leave you. Or maybe I should not be expecting anything from anyone in all ways.Although I am not the type who needs to please people just for them to like me and accept me, I still feel the need to be somewhat appreciated - all humans do. I love loving people in as much as I hate hating them.

After all these struggles there came to a point where I really don't know where to go. Then I find myself in the church. Knelt down and crying.That's the moment I hear something my heart want to say in itself.Let go, move on and grow. That's when I feel God embracing.

"Time to grow". This is the line I'm holding on for a week now. Last week, I told a friend that one of my weakness is letting go. And maybe that's the very reason I do not feel the contentment and happiness. Letting go of my fears and some of the people I love (yes there's this gift of goodbye we need to practice sometimes and it feels good after), surrendering what I have and moving on to start anew.

I know it will be hard. But I believe it will all be worth it in the end. I'll start growing by learning to let go of everything. The pain and the doubts all surrendered to the One up there. And whatever happens, good or bad, for sure He wants me to learn something. I'll learn to let go yet never stop loving for I now it's the only way God wants me to grow. ^_^

posted by juliusmarzan @ 1:22 PM